Fifty Shades of Shhhhhh!

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FilmMagic/Getty“Fifty Shades of Grey” co-stars Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson attend a screening of their film in New York.

Inspired by “Fifty Shades of Grey” to get your kink on at home, but worried the kids or downstairs neighbors will hear you pretending to be the billionaire and the English major?

Try these five ways to keep your little games a secret:

1. Replace hardwood floors with wall-to-wall carpets and the best padding you can afford.
Downstairs neighbors won’t hear you crawling on the floor. Plus, a soft surface extends the length of time you can kneel.

2. Replace your thin, hollow bedroom door with a sound-muffling solid-core wood door. Add weather stripping around the inside of the door jam and a sweep at the bottom. Buy a sliding barrel bolt and spray paint it white. Install it at the top of your bedroom door where no one will notice it’s there.

Finally, you can relax knowing there’s no way the kids can walk in on you. When they knock, tell them you’re tied up right now and will be with them in a few minutes.

3. Buy or build furniture that hides things in plain sight. FoxyFurniture shares plans for a free build-it-yourself plant stand that transforms into a whipping post.

The Stockroom’s Dore Alley Bed “brings timeless style and elegance to your bedroom and at the drop of a hat becomes your own personal dungeon.”

4. To reduce noise transmission, caulk around the electrical outlets, the switch plates in walls shared with other rooms and your ceiling light fixtures (if upstairs neighbors are a concern).

While you’ve got the caulk out, put a bead around exterior window trim and where the floor trim meets the walls to reduce air leaks and cut your utility bill. Use the money you save to buy new toys for the grownups in your home.

5. Looking to soundproof the walls? Here are nine secrets for deadening the sounds of extra enthusiasm.

If you have older children, though, it’s much cheaper just to turn on the vacuum. No child goes anywhere near a parent who’s cleaning house for fear they’ll be asked to help.


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